Ten things
or a list to get unstuck
I have been struggling to write, so I thought I’d hack my way into writing with a list making approach. If I put thoughts in a list format, it usually gets me out of a funk. Lists help me feel like I’m somehow in control of my life, even though numerous instances—including the pandemic and lockdown (!!!)—proved otherwise. I knew that there would be a lot of in-between-ness in this phase of my life. Where I am, what I’m doing, what I want to do. That’s why I named this newsletter/blog ‘In Transit’. I collect words of wisdom from writers, creatives, friends, and family. Writing them down is how I figure things out.
But I am also struggling to identify myself as a “writer”. Anyone who writes is a writer, right? You just have to do it. Tying yourself to one identity is so late 2010s. “No matter what I’m doing career-wise, I seem to always be missing sports writing. It just feels like one of those on again, off again romances and I often feel like no matter what, I’m going to end up with it eventually.” This was a note I wrote on my Notes app on 24 May 2020 at 2:10 am?! I love that I wrote this to myself and have it to look back on. It feels like a little clue when I’m having moments of doubts. I know I don’t have to listen to my 2020 lockdown, cabin fever self, but at least there’s something romantic in what I felt about sports writing, or writing in general.
In a time that has been a bit vague, I want to know what I’m thinking. I’ve loved taking notes this year: my pocket notebook for quotes, notes, and observations, and the Obsidian app for connecting ideas. It’s made me feel less scattered, retain information a lot better, restored my attention span (somewhat) and it has honestly become a fun hobby now.
Today is a good day to express some gratitude. I spent last Sunday in the mountains on a hike with my friend S who had been visiting us in Dehradun. The mountains really make me feel so happy, and be fully in the present. I’m grateful that she came down to spend time with us. I value friendships where plans can happen easily and without friction.
Grateful for this view, for mountains, and for friendships. Speaking of easy friendships, I also feel grateful to my friend Tanika, who invited me to be part of a music league that she has with her friends. Each week there is a theme, and people share a song that fits that theme. Then, everyone votes to see who wins. She had been sharing these playlists with me, and I had been telling her which songs I would pick. I’m glad she asked me to join officially, even though I basically know only her in the group. I’ve talked a lot with her about long distance friendships and how she maintains them. Fun and enjoyment play a huge role, and this does exactly that. I appreciate having something beyond social media, where we are just reacting to stories and sharing memes and reels and feeling a false sense of closeness.
I am grateful to be back in Dehradun right now, where I grew up, where my sister’s family is. Delhi still has most of our friends, and the airport. We go back constantly. I don’t know which one I’m supposed to call home right now, and I’m trying to be okay with not knowing.
Starting over in a new place means rebuilding everything—routines, rhythms, the muscle memory of where to go. A workout in the morning puts me in a great mood for the rest of the day. The problem is that I have started feeling dependent on it to have a good day. When I don’t get to go to the gym, or a jog or a walk (preferably a strength training session though) to kick start the day, I become very grumpy. After moving to a new city, Jo and I had been struggling to find a gym that is both in decent proximity, and good. We joined one but didn’t like it and eventually lost the motivation to go there after three sessions. Which is also why it was so amazing to have S stay with us last week. We managed to go for a lot of walks, a few jogs, and a hike together. I’m a sucker for momentum, and I think I finally have it again.
“The more I heal, the less ambitious I become” has stayed in me ever since I read that viral essay on this platform. It scares me because I’m resonating with it a lot more than I’d like. This past year has given me time to read and think—a lot of philosophy, a lot of fiction—and somehow along the way, climbing the career ladder has started feeling less urgent. But then I open LinkedIn, see updates from random strangers about their promotions and pivots and how they’re all “humbled and proud” as if both are possible at the same time, and wonder which version of myself am I fooling?
I love sitting in cafés, and working out of them. It is cliché and the most ridiculous, unnecessary expense I have. There is no reason I can’t read or write or take calls from my house. But I prefer being out, the ambience I get behind my earphones, of people talking, and cutlery cluttering. I’m happy to now have so many new (and honestly great) cafés around me. I’m also sorry for ruining the café experience for others with my laptop.
If I’m in a bad mood, my mood can immediately be improved by listening to ‘Baanware’ from Season 10 of Coke Studio Pakistan. The problem is that I know this too well, so when I want to stay in a sour mood, I won’t put it on.
I hope your unstuckness sticks around.
PS. Love the idea of the music league!